So far today, I've taken multiple pain-killers, a dose of a natural muscle/ joint healing...stuff..., soaked in a hot tub, smeared on icy-hot, and spent well over an hour icing my low back, all in an effort to allieviate pain that I willing put myself in to begin with. 

Tomorrow I will do most of that again, and I'm planning a visit to my friendly neighborhood chiropractor.  In fact, I'm doing everything I know how to do to repair my body in the shortest amount of time possible.   I'm on a deadline; I need to not be in pain by Tuesday because Tuesday I'm penciled in to willing put myself in pain all over again. 

I love martial arts.

I spent Thursday night learning how to throw people to the ground and being thrown to the ground in turn.  My low back hurts, the right side of my ribcage is a little bit swollen, and my knees are bruised.  It was totally worth it, and I can't wait to do it again.

One thing: I'm quickly realizing that in martial arts, there is no such thing as personal space.  At least one of my sparing partners accidentally made it to second base.  Just saying.

Where to start...

I suppose I should begin by telling you that I to know what comes next.  A psychologist would probably say that I have control issues.  Nothing too extreme, but total ambiguity makes me uncomfortable. 

Lately, I've been feeling very comfortable, certain that I knew what was coming next, certain that I would spend the next 3-7 years at a Indiana U studying Folklore.  Everything in my application was lined up; I had a really strong application.  But when I visited, it was all wrong.  The class I visited was rife with arrogance and self-righteousness.  (My dad asked me if I had stumbled into the church, but I've found that those adjectives can be applied to most people who think that their perspective is the only valid one.)    After that, the day just got worse.  Over the course of the day, I became convinced that I didn't want to go there.  The whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth. 

I won't be turning in my application.

And with that one decision, my plans for the next stage of my life came tumbling down.  My future, something I was so sure of a week ago, fell like a house of cards. 

The thing is, not only did that particular plan fall, the one involving that school, but my entire academic plan.  I wanted THAT program, so much so that I wasn't even applying to other schools.  What I'm saying is this: I'm looking at a 180 here. 

Since I've made the decision not to pursue that plan, I've been in a bit of a tailspin.  I'm thinking about law school.  It's always been in the back of my mind, a possibility.  I bought a book on the LSAT.  Now I'm just trying to decide whether this is what I really want or the equivalent of a rebound crush. 

So I'm confused and questioning everything.

Is it time to call it a quarter-life crisis?

Dear God,
You confuse me...a lot.  That's strange for me because, when I was younger, you made complete and total sense.  You don't anymore: I can scarcely come up with an answer for anything without bringing up ten new questions. 

Maybe that's why I get so upset with people who claim to know your mind: the people who claim to know who and what you hate, the people who claim that you care whether or not they wear a Rolex.  I mean, you invented water and air and dirt and light.  Doesn't strike me that you care about watches. 

I believe in you, don't get me wrong--if I didn't, I wouldn't write to you--but I'm not sure how to make sense of what you say about yourself.  The Bible truly is a great book, but it's full of contradictions.  I'm kind of getting sick of people claiming that it isn't. 

My mom thinks that college screwed up my concept of you.  By her definition, she's right.  The more I learned, the more I questioned.   My college Bible classes taught me that the Bible has a context.  My college psychology classes taught me that gender is a fuzzy concept.  The list keeps rolling...The thing is, I also learned to believe that all truth is Your truth.  I think it's a valuable lesson.

Jesus sort of makes sense to me.  I just have a hard time reconciling Jesus with the Old Testament. 

I'm sick of not knowing what to think.  I wish that I could ask questions without getting stock answers. 

I'm seeking wisdom.  The Bible says that you'll help me with that.  I'm counting on it. 

Ever yours,
C